


always find you

by MayJestic



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Bang Chan is Bad at Feelings, Bang Chan is Whipped, Bang Chan is a Good Hyung, Bang Chan is a Mess, Cute, Falling In Love, Fluff, Idiots in Love, Insomniac Bang Chan, Kissing, Lee Felix is Bad at Feelings (Stray Kids), Lee Felix is Whipped (Stray Kids), Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Mentioned Stray Kids Ensemble, Mutual Pining, Requited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:06:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27460156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MayJestic/pseuds/MayJestic
Summary: Chris has done this for the past two years. He'll keep going, even if it means sacrificing parts of himself.He'll keep his feeling for Felix to himself, even if it kills him inside.Or: Five situations in which Chan wanted to confess to Felix but knew that he couldn't and the one time he finally did.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 17
Kudos: 273





	always find you

**Author's Note:**

> hello
> 
> this is barely edited, so excuse any mistakes that might be in here 
> 
> i honestly hate a lot of this, but it's not going to get better with time lmao
> 
> also, i want to say that all translations of certain scenes belong to various accounts/videos on youtube, they're not my own
> 
> i hope you enjoy whatever this is 
> 
> [all plot points are fictional and entirely from my imagination. i am not trying to put words into other people's mouths. i do not support or condone delusional shipping - this fanfiction was written without any malicious intent and is for entertainment purposes only.]

**_#1 Felix's elimination_ **

"Felix," PD-nim calls, an apologetic glint to his eyes. Chan already knows where this is going, his heart dropping into his belly and down his legs until it hits the ground beneath him. "It seems like your biggest problem is your Korean." Chan wants to _scream,_ because that's the stupidest reason he can think of for someone to be eliminated - he opts for staring at the floor instead.

The worst about it all - Felix agrees and nods like he's okay with this. Like this whole situation doesn't bother him. Like he thinks that his elimination is _justified._

It hurts.

"I think you still need more time until you'll be able to deliver your rap parts well," he explains, his voice a little breathy at the edges, like he really regrets having to make this decision. "I'm sorry, but, this time, you won't be continuing on with the others."

Chan takes a glance at Felix who's standing at the far end of the line, a stone cold expression on his face.

But the others are crumbling, falling apart at the edges in front of him.

Hyunjin looks like his knees are going to give out as he braces his hands on his thighs. He probably wishes that it had been him instead of Felix.

Changbin is crouching down in the corner of the room, big fat tears rolling down his cheeks like a waterfall. He was always the one to be there for Felix, teach him his verses, help him with his flow. Chan can basically hear the gears churning in his head, the way he blames himself for not doing more.

Felix turns away, his facade finally breaking as he sniffles and wipes at his eyes.

Seungmin is crying. Seungmin, who rarely ever cries, is crying.

Chan feels frozen in place, scratching at a stray piece of skin on his thumb.

He watches as Jisung comes up to Felix and catches him in a hug. Felix smiles, tight and close-lipped, trying to pick up the broken pieces and put them back together as much as he can.

It doesn't work.

He lets himself be held as he sobs into his hyung's shoulder, the words 'I'm sorry' tumbling from his lips over and over again like a mantra.

That's what does Chris in, tears gathering in his eyes.

Felix - poor, beautiful, kind little Felix - feels sorry. Like it was his fault. Felix takes the blame, because that's just how Felix is. Even in a situation like this, he doesn't want the others to feel bad.

Even in a sitation where it's all about him, it's never about him.

Jisung lets him go with a pat on the shoulder, walking towards Jeongin, their maknae's cheeks damp.

Chan's feet almost move on their own accord as he crosses the room in three quick strides.

A tear slips out as he makes eye contact with Felix.

A thousand things are resting on the tip of Chan's tongue, but there's only so much he can say with all the staff around and the cameras running - he settles for something that still gets his point across.

"Always find me, yeah?", he says, his voice wet and disgusting to his own ears - he doesn't really care. This is Felix, for God's sake. "I'm not gonna leave you behind." Felix is sniffling, rubbing at his eyes with his fingers. Chan's breath hitches in his throat.

He really hopes Felix understands what he means.

He hopes Felix understands how much he loves him, how much Chan will miss him.

"Yeah?", he asks for confirmation after Felix doesn't give him a response. The younger nods quickly.

Chan leaves it at that and simply watches as Felix and Changbin engulf each other in a big hug. They're apologizing between sobs. Chan leans against the wall for support, feeling lightheaded.

He's too caught up in his feelings of sadness to realize that, at this point, his love for Felix has moved from platonic to something much more - and there's no turning back.

**_#2 Stray Kids_ **

Chan feels like his heart is going to jump out of his chest as he listens to Park Jinyoung PD-nim talk. The six other boys standing next to him don't seem to be faring any better, their jaws clenched, muscles tense.

"The stage as seven looked ready, without any visible mistakes. The stage as nine, however, wasn't perfect. Some of you were lacking," he remarks, his tone certain. Chan is staring blankly into nothingness as he listens. He's close to giving up hope when- "But the energy of you as nine is alive and can be felt." Chan's head shoots up so fast in the direction of the voice, he almost gets whiplash.

JYP smiles.

"Congratulations, you'll debut as nine."

It's like a fever dream. The others are laughing, bouncing in place, already making their way towards the podium Felix and Minho are standing on.

Chan watches as a huge smile creeps onto both Minho's and Felix's face. Felix wraps an arm around Minho's shoulders as they stumble down the stairs.

Felix falling into Chan's embrace is what breaks him out of his trance. They're hugging so hard, they almost lose their balance. Felix is giggling into his ear and Chan can't do anything but reciprocate it, his chest full of warmth.

Felix gets to debut with him. They get to debut _together._

Chan is the happiest he's ever been.

_**#3 Stray Kids Unveil Tour 'I am...' in Sydney** _

"Next up, we have Felix," Chan calls, letting his ganze wander towards the younger. Felix turns away from the crowd for a moment, as if he needs to gather himself, as if he knows what's going to be coming. "Felix came to Korea two years ago. And I do remember him coming. Actually, I heard about that he would be coming and I was anticipating it. And when he came, I was really surprised, he has a really low voice."

Chan makes a show of how their first meeting went, exaggerating as much as he can to lighten the mood. He's been crying plenty already and he feels like he needs this - the laughs of STAYs that echo throughout the venue make everything a little better.

"'Cause Felix, he's really not that used to Korea and he'd always have a hard time," Chan goes on, the memories of Felix's first couple months as a trainee making his heart sink. Felix isolated himself a lot as a way of not having to deal with whatever was bothering him. Chan obviously tried to help the boy where he could, get him out of his shell, take him out to eat, buy him a milkshake to make him feel better - it caused the both of them to grow inevitably closer. "Sometimes he'd feel lonely, sometimes he'd feel really depressed. Because it's not just me, but he misses his family as well. Sometimes he couldn't get along with other trainees, sometimes he wouldn't understand the system."

Chan felt the same way when he first came to Korea - in absolute disbelief about the standards, the expectations that are put on trainees, the insane work load, the way you have to sacrifice everything to achieve your goal. Chan was very much alone with his struggles, all his friends debuting long before him. But when Felix finally came, Chan saw a piece of himself in him. He wanted to do everything right by him that he couldn't do right by himself.

"I told him that he's not the only one and I went through that as well," Chan keeps explaining, his voice beginning to shake with unshed tears pooling in his eyes. "Because I didn't want Felix to go through that as well, I think I was a bit more strict to Felix. But I'm sorry and thankful to him, because he was always there to cope with it and he always listened to what I said."

Chan always pushed Felix that extra bit, told him to repeat the choreo until he felt confident in it, to work over that lyric until it was perfect, to study Korean two more hours. It was harsh and it was unfair but Chan had seen potential in the other boy - he wanted that potential to come to fruition. Felix probably couldn't fully understand it at the time, but he powered through anyway, because he knew it would serve a purpose somehow.

"So he was so strong and I'm just really glad that he could end up being a part of this team," Chan says, his voice turning more and more breathy around the edges with every word. Chan thinks back to the day of Felix's elimination, how devastated he had felt, how devastated all of them had felt. They lost Minho and then they lost Felix - it just became too much to bear. It was clear that both Minho and Felix were absolutely essential for Stray Kids' chemistry. Without them, nothing much they did seemed authentic and Chan had been so happy that JYP had recognized that as well.

Chan's facade begins to crack then as a couple more tears make their way down his cheeks. He doesn't even bother hiding them - he's already gone too far, cried too much. And he feels safe here, in his home town, with his members, family and fans present. Chan sniffles.

He knows that his next sentence is going to break the both of them.

"That we could hold hands and come back to our home town in Australia."

Just as the words have left his mouth, Chan doubles over with the force of his sobs. As he straightens up once more, he holds the microphone to his lips - all words die in his throat as he watches Felix crumble in front of him, the younger holding a towel to his face to dry his tears.

Chan turns away, the sight hurting too much. He doesn't expect Felix to say or do anything much in the moment, but he feels pleasantly surprised when he's whisked up into a hug by the younger. He wraps his arms around him, the biggest smile creeping onto his lips. It almost seems as if Felix doesn't want to let him go, holding on so tightly.

Even after they've parted, Felix doesn't immediately leave his side, standing in front of the older and crying in earnest. Chan has rarely ever seen him like this.

The leader gives Felix a pat on the back as he squats down on the floor, still hiding his face in the towel. Everyone gathers around the younger, including Chan, and ruffles his hair, comforts him, tells him not to cry.

"I'm not crying!", Felix says after he's gotten off the floor, despite his voice sounding shaky and wet, despite it being painfully obvious that he is indeed crying. He gives Chan one last hug.

There are so many things Chan wants to add - he wants Felix to understand what all of this means. What he means to Chan. But this is neither the way he wants to get it over with nor the right situation, so he decides on something else.

"I'm sorry, guys, I didn't mean to cry this much. But I did want to make Felix cry. Because he wanted to cry. I knew you wanted to cry," he confesses, laughter erupting from the crowd. The both of them associate a lot of memories and emotions with Australia, with Sydney. Felix usually doesn't show when he feels affected, so Chan wanted to give him a reason to. "But I can't say anything else, because I'm not the type to express my feelings in front of the team, because I want to stay strong."

Chris has done this for the past two years. He'll keep going, even if it means sacrificing parts of himself.

He'll keep his feeling for Felix to himself, even if it kills him inside.

_**#4** _ _**first music show win** _

Chan can't believe it. He's clutching the M COUNTDOWN trophy in his hand and still can't fucking believe it.

They won. They _won._

Tears are drying on his face as he screams the lyrics. His throat hurts in the best way.

Everyone's jumping, laughing, singing along. Jisung hasn't stopped bawling ever since the results were announced. Everyone's gathered around him, patting him on the back, rubbing his head. He's sobbing so hard, Chan's chest twists a little painfully.

The relief in Jisung's crying is obvious. Chan understands why more than anyone.

He trained for almost a _decade._ Chan was waiting for this his entire life. Debuting and presenting his music to the public was the ultimate goal - he finally feels like he's reached it. And together with his members? All eight of them? Nothing could have made him happier.

Chan captures Changbin in a hug, tells him how well he did, how grateful he feels towards him for making this possible, for granting them their first win. Changbin grunts, obviously feeling shy. As Chan lets him go with a pat on the back, he spots Felix on the other side of the stage interacting with STAYs, waving at them and showing that gorgeous smile of his. The fans scream louder.

Chan had always been able to ignore his feelings for Felix. They were focused on much more important things before debut, like monthly evaluations and their survival show and getting every single performance right and making sure to pass the finish line as nine members.

They had debuted, they had won numerous Rookie Of The Year awards, they had become extremely successful with 'MIROH' - they had done it. Chan had allowed himself to be lulled into a deserved sense of security now that almost all major boxes had been ticked.

This sense of security made it possible for an endless thought carousel to spin into motion.

He lies awake at night, thinking about the younger boy. He finds himself scribbling down random lyrics about him into his notebook.

Chan is in love with one of his members and that's a hard pill to swallow.

Especially when Felix is like this - laughing, overjoyed, _happy -_ Chan finds it all the more difficult to not let his feelings bubble over the surface. Which is a problem, with cameras pointed in their faces basically 24/7.

No one can ever know about this. Not even Felix.

Netizens would not take kindly to fellow Stray Kids leader Bang Chan lusting after one of his members.

Why Felix can't know is pretty obvious.

The nine of them decide to celebrate their first win at the company. Chan is sitting in the corner of the room, beer bottle in hand as he watches the others.

Jisung still looks pretty out of it, his eyes kind of puffy, cheeks red. Minho is rubbing his back soothingly, whispering something into his ear. Chan can't help but smile - despite always messing with each other, those two have something special going on.

Chan's smile falls quickly as it makes him think about Felix.

Chan's gaze almost automatically drifts to where the younger is taking pictures together with Jeongin, Changbin behind the camera. They're holding the trophy between them, soft smiles on their faces. The both of them go through numerous other poses - pretending to fight for the award, peace signs, Jeongin holding Felix's leg in the air.

Chan can't suppress the sigh that escapes him.

"You should tell him." Chan flinches so hard at the sound of Seungmin's voice, he almost jumps out of his skin. Seungmin sits down on the chair next to Chan.

"What?" Seungmin throws him _the look_ and Chan's eyes widen in realization.

_If Seungmin knows, who else does?_

"Calm down, you look like you're going to shit yourself," Seungmin remarks with a laugh - Chan feels himself deflate slightly. "And you know what I'm talking about."

"I can't," Chan replies, his voice sounding pained even to his own ears. "You know I can't."

Chan doesn't even want to think about what would happen if Felix were to find out. They're best friends? Of course. They've called each other soulmates? Sure. But Chan _being in love_ with Felix? That's crossing the line.

The success of the group depends on their chemistry - Chan can't risk things becoming weird between them. He's done this for years - sacrifice himself for the benefit of Stray Kids. He can do it a thousand times over if that's what needs to be done.

There's something unreadable in Seungmin's expression, his eyebrows a little furrowed. His next words only mange to confuse Chan even more.

"You should tell him." With that, the younger slides out of his seat, leaving Chan behind with question marks floating over his head.

_**#5 Felix's birthday VLIVE** _

Chan is sitting in the studio at the company when he hears him.

Felix is singing.

Chan knew that he'd be doing a livestream for his birthday, that's nothing out of the ordinary, but Felix _singing_ _?_ This he needs to see.

Chan had originally planned to work on some tracks, to add a couple last touches, but that resolution quickly flies out the window - his fingers move lightning fast across his keyboard as he punches VLIVE into the search bar and opens their page.

Felix looks so beautiful bare-faced, his freckles showing. He has his extensions clipped in still.

And his _singing._ His voice is a little shaky and he's not always on pitch, but there's something about his tone that Chan can't ignore, that no one can ignore - it's soft and sweet and warm and Chan feels like he's covered in a fuzzy blanket of mushy feelings.

Chan has accepted himself, sort of. He at least knows that his emotions aren't his fault. And if Chan is being honest, he can't really imagine ever not loving Felix when he's like this - vulnerable, open, showing a side of himself that he usually doesn't.

After the first song, Felix sings one more. And then another.

Ever since pre-debut, Chan has been baffled by Felix's voice. The way it was able to reel people in, to grab their attention, to make them hypnotized by him. It was something Chan had longed for. It was also something he understood too well. Back then, he didn't know why just yet - everything makes a little more sense now, which he's thankful for.

Felix singing acapella is what does Chris in.

He grabs his phone off the table, his hands fumbling with it for a bit, before scrolling through his contacts and dialing Felix's number. Chan vaguely registers Felix saying something about him calling on stream and then the line crackles and Felix's voice sounds on the other end.

"Hey, Chan-hyung," Felix answers, sounding bright and playful. Chan couldn't keep the smile off his face if he wanted to. The fact that he can hear Felix both over the phone and the room next to his trips him out, but he tries to ignore it as best as he can.

"Hello," Chan greets, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

"Hey."

"Yeah, that's some good singing."

"Really?", Felix asks - even if Chan hadn't been able to see him on the screen, he would have known that he's grinning from ear to ear. Felix looks _stunning_ , smiling in that way he usually does.

"Yeah," Chan replies, biting his lip right after to keep the flow of words resting on his tongue at bay.

"Oh, I thought it was terrible," Felix says, propping his head up on his hands. Not wanting Felix to feel bad, Chan says the only thing he can to keep himself sane.

"No, it was good!"

"It was good?"

"Yeah." And then-

"Were you watching?" Chan knows that it's only friendly banter, that Felix is trying to tease him, but the older feels queasy in his belly.

"Yeah," he admits, sounding sheepish even to his own ears. He has to swallow thickly.

The way Felix laughs and howls makes it all worth it somehow.

"Why, what-" Chan wants to punch himself for stuttering like a hormonal teenager asking someone out to prom, but he quickly pushes on. "Was it, like, your first time showing everyone your singing?"

"I mean, yeah, it's my first time doing it out loud," Felix tells him. "I don't know, I don't know, was it okay?" Felix sounds so insecure, like he really doesn't get how talented he is. Something twists painfully in Chan's chest with the need to protect him.

"It was good!", Chan answers and he wonders if he sounds a little too enthusiastic.

"It was good?", Felix asks once more and Chan suddenly feels like a man on a mission, wanting the other to understand just how big of an effect he has on him, on _everyone else._

"You did good, yeah, you did good," Chan says. "Don't, don't underestimate your singing skills, man, that was good." Chan kind of cringes at the added 'man', but as Felix giggles so adorably, everything is forgotten.

"Thank you."

"I knew you'd be very, like, sensitive about your singing, so I thought maybe, I'd share a little bit support."

"Thank you. Oh my God!", Felix says, sounding obviously embarrassed. Chan can't help but let out a giggle of his own. "Well, I didn't know you were watching, so I was just like 'what'? Oh, wow."

"I can hear you from outside," Chan thinks he's said a little too much then and he gets this sinking feeling in his gut. Felix simply pushes on - the older couldn't feel more appreciative towards him.

"Outside? Well, I can't see, but." Felix rakes his head like he's trying to peek out the door.

"That was good," Chan repeats once more, feeling like a broken record, but in a good way.

"It was okay?" Felix sounds a lot less insecure and a lot more like he's basking in the praise at this point - Chan finds that he likes confidence on the younger.

"Yeah, it was good." Chan lets out a laugh for no apparent reason other than that Felix makes him so fucking happy.

"Okay, alright, well, if you say so." It's in that moment that Chan notices how thick Felix's accent has become.

It feels like home.

"You should sing another song," Chan recommends, because he knows STAYs will enjoy it, because he wants to be just a little selfish and hear Felix sing one more time.

Chan can handle being selfish when it comes to Felix.

"I think I should work on it harder," Felix says in Korean, the quick change from one language to another making Chan's head spin. Felix laughs, face-palming. "But thank you, thank you, thank you, I got some confidence."

"Good, good."

"Thank you." The way he's thanking Chan over and over again makes the older's head spin as well.

"I will catch you later, yeah?", Chan says to safe himself, his chest feeling tight, tighter than he's comfortable with right now.

"Alright, thank you," Felix says directly into the camera, pointing a finger at his leader. Chan feels a breath get stuck in his throat.

"Alright, alright." Chan tries to sound as casual as possible - he completely fails as a nervous laugh makes its way past his lips. His knee jerks.

"Thanks, man, alright, I'll talk you later," Felix tells him and Chan hums in response. He immediately brings the phone away from his ear and presses the 'end call' button. Chan discards it on his desk as if burned.

Felix smiles so wide, scrunches his nose. The older's throat feels dry.

_**+1 Insomnia** _

Comeback season is always exhausting.

With everything that needs to be done, Chan spends more time at the company than at the dorm. Sometimes it's easier, sometimes the words just flow onto the page or that little touch that was missing comes to him instantly. Sometimes it's harder, sometimes he locks himself in his studio for hours and refuses to come out until his artist's block clears up and he can finally work properly again.

It happens a lot more than Chan would like for it to.

Today is one of those days. Nothing goes right, nothing comes to his head and Chan feels too stubborn to just admit defeat or do something else.

When a knock sounds at the door, it's like Chan lets out a breath he didn't know he had been holding.

"Come in," he calls, still staring at the screen of his computer. Chan's eyes feel dry and he blinks a couple of times.

"Chan-hyung?" _Oh no._

Chan whips around in his seat at the sound of Felix's voice. The younger looks ready to jump out of his skin. He's holding a bag of take-out food.

Felix doesn't have any make up on. His hair has become so long that it's falling into his eyes. He could probably tie it into a ponytail if he wanted to.

Felix is only becoming more beautiful as time goes on.

Chan still remembers the first time he saw him. He had such big, innocent eyes and a little baby fat around his face. Now he's all sharp lines and edges. Truly gorgeous.

"Are you okay?", Felix asks after he's recovered from his shock. "You look jumpy." Chan doesn't even want to _think_ about what he looks like right now.

Chan doesn't rest a lot. And even if, it's not for long. His unfinished tasks at the end of the day keep him restless, making sleep difficult. How can he sleep when there's so much left to do, so much that rests on his shoulders, so much to take care of-

"Chan-hyung," Felix's soft voice breaks the older out of his trance. Their faces are so close all of a sudden and Chan tries his best not to flinch - he mentally pats himself on the shoulder a little when he succeeds. "How long have you been sitting here for? Come on, let's sit you down on the couch so you can take a break." Felix is already grabbing at his hand, but Chan brushes him off. The slight hurt on Felix's face doesn't go unnoticed with him.

"I don't need a break, I need to finish this track," he says, already beginning to turn back towards the screen when Felix takes Chan's hand into his own once more. The older doesn't resist this time - something so open, vulnerable sparkles in Felix's eyes.

"You don't look good," _thanks, that's really what I wanted to hear right now._ "At least come eat something. I brought sushi." Sushi does sound good, but Chan still isn't finished, he still hasn't found what he's looking for and he feels like he's going to go insane with it-

"Chris," Felix says, his voice strong and leaving no room for disagreement - he's obviously noticed that Chan is spiraling and trying to pull him out. "Come on." Felix is pulling at his hand now and Chan feels so caught off-guard at the younger calling him 'Chris' that he simply follows.

Felix sits him down on the couch in the corner of the room. Chan zones out for a second, feeling like his soul has left his body, until Felix slides a box full of sushi rolls onto the table in front of him. The younger breaks a pair of chop sticks in half and hands them to Chan.

"Dig in," Felix commands before taking a seat next to Chan and getting started on his own food. Chan simply nods, picks up a piece of sushi and puts it into his mouth.

Once the taste of salmon and avocado hits his tastebuds, he notices how hungry he really is.

Chan shoves roll after roll into his mouth and devours the whole thing within ten minutes. Felix is barely halfway done yet.

"Don't need a break, huh?", the younger questions, chuckling at the sight of the empty box.

"I was more hungry than I thought," Chan admits, rubbing at the back of his neck a little sheepishly. "How did you know I hadn't eaten anything?"

"Because I know you - you always overwork yourself," Felix explains, setting his chopsticks onto the table. "And I asked Changbin. He said that he hadn't seen you leave the studio once today, so I offered to look after you." _Oh. Oh, I see._

Chan is rendered absolutely speechless. Felix apparently doesn't expect a response as he mumbles out a 'gosh, I'm full' before closing his box of left-over sushi.

This is just who Felix is, who he's always been. He looks after Chan, makes sure he doesn't fall and if he _does,_ he picks him right back up.

Chan could always count on Felix no matter what.

It's not like he's never noticed, of course. Chan has been in love with the guy ever since pre-debut. But there's something about the little ways that Felix shows he cares that make Chan just that extra bit emotional.

It's always been Felix. Chan thought he could wish his feelings away, ignore them until they vanished out of existence, but all these years, they've only grown stronger, latched onto his heart and not let go since.

And that little spark of hope that he's tried to destroy, to banish from his thoughts, only shines brighter the more Felix does things like this, the more Felix treats him like he's something _special._

Chan has hope that not everything's been lost. That all those longing looks, touches and gestures of warmth _meant_ something. And right in this moment, his brain feels mushy enough to shoot his shot.

"Felix," Chan calls, his voice breathy around the edges.

"Hm?", Felix asks as he looks up, his eyes big in wonder. Their faces are suddenly so close - if Chan tried, he could count the freckles dotting Felix's cheeks. They've become a lot more and even darker over the years. Chan swallows thickly.

And then, after years of pining and trying to suppress his feelings, not letting them show, he says those three words.

"I love you."

The world starts spinning slower.

Felix doesn't say anything for a long time, his lips formed into the shape of an 'o'.

And then he turns away from Chan, staring straight ahead with his hands folded in his lap. He's quiet some more.

Chan already regrets having said it. _Oh God,_ Felix doesn't feel the same and he'll lose one of the most important people in his life, he'll be the reason for the downfall of Stray Kids, he'll have ruined the one thing he had always tried to protect.

And then-

"You mean it?", Felix asks, his voice low and dark.

"What?"

"How do you mean it?", Felix repeats himself, looking at Chan once more. The expression on his face is absolutely unreadable. "As a friend? A brother?" Chan contemplates making an excuse, but, in his mind, he's already too far gone and simply shakes his head.

"So as something more?" Chan nods, his mouth feeling too dry to speak. "Good."

The weight of that statement hits Chan only a couple of seconds later.

"What?", he asks, his voice barely above a whisper. Chan's eyes are probably wide as saucers.

"I want to be more, Chris," Felix confesses, just as quiet, but much more calm.

Chan's brain malfunctions.

"I- I don't-", Chan stutters, seemingly all words leaving him. "I don't know what to say."

"Then you're lucky I don't plan on doing much talking," Felix tells him, turning his entire body in Chan's direction. "Kiss me?"

Chan can't believe this.

His hand twitches with the need to touch, to ground himself, to make this feel more real - so he does, his palm resting on Felix's cheek, stroking the soft skin with his thumb. The younger's eyes slowly flutter close.

It's been _years,_ years of pining and yearning and _longing_ for someone that Chan didn't think he could ever have - now Felix is _here,_ feeling just as much, wanting just as much. It would seem too good to be true, if Chan weren't holding him close like this.

Chan begins to lean in. And then their lips are touching.

It's like falling. It's like dipping your toe into the water, before slipping and ending up completely soaked. It starts slow, careful and then Chan is toppling off the edge _hard,_ being drawn in by _Felix, Felix, Felix._ The kiss really does feel like they've waited years for this moment, desperation behind the way their lips are crashing against each other's, the way Felix's tongue curls around Chan's own.

The both of them stay close after it ends. Felix's hands are curled tightly in the fabric of Chan's shirt as he bites his lower lip.

"Come home with me?", Felix suggests, his voice sounding breathy around the edges. _You're my home,_ Chan wants to say but decides to swallow it. "You've worked enough for today." Chan doesn't think he could deny Felix anything in this moment, so he nods.

The both of them ask their manager for a lift - during the car ride, Chan realizes how tired he truly is, his eyes repeatedly falling closed. Felix simply pulls him close, resting the older's head on his shoulder with a soft chuckle.

Once they arrive at the dorm, Chan almost breaks down the door of their shared room and immediately climbs into the top bunk. Felix gets rid of his clothes before following the older without a second thought, as if he knows that Chan needs him close, as if he couldn't stand to be without him right now.

"Do you want me to take off your clothes?", Felix asks - it sounds more suggestive than it should, but Chan knows what he means, knows that the younger doesn't have any ulterior motives.

"Just my pants," Chan mumbles out, his voice rough from fatigue. Felix lets out a hum.

Chan can feel Felix's fingers shake as he undoes the button and fly of his jeans and pulls the piece of clothing off his legs with great difficulty in the narrow space of the bunk bed. He simply throws it into a random corner of the room.

Felix lets himself fall right into Chan's arms, like it's the most natural thing for him. The older accepts him gladly, wrapping one arm around his waist and the other around his neck to pull him close.

"You didn't say it back." Felix makes a small confused noise.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean," Chan mumbles into Felix's hair, simply because he feels too shy to speak it out loud. Chan can feel the younger smile against the skin of his collar bone. Felix starts squirming and suddenly warm breaths are hitting Chan's face.

"I love you, too, Channie-hyung," Felix says, his voice breathy around the edges. "I have for a long time. I really don't want to be just your little brother anymore."

"How long?", Chan asks as if shot from a gun, a feeling of guilt already brewing inside his chest.

"Ever since our trainee days," Felix replies - there's something so sad about the way he says it and it causes Chan's heart to clench painfully. "Around the time I got eliminated. At least that's when I realized."

"I'm sorry I never knew," Chan says honestly, squeezing Felix just that extra bit tighter.

Chan feels so bad for letting Felix suffer alone.

"It doesn't matter now," Felix tells him, something in his tone that doesn't leave room for argument. Chan is thankful. "Better late than never. It doesn't matter what was before."

The younger is obviously right, so Chan decides to swallow his guilt as best as he can.

Chan flinches a little as Felix's hand suddenly touches his cheek, but the older quickly melts into the contact. The pads of Felix's finger wander all over Chan's nose, jaw and chin and he can't help but let out a quiet giggle.

"What are you doing?", he questions, his voice merely a whisper.

Felix doesn't answer, simply keeps up his ministrations until he reaches Chan's lips, running his thumb over them. It feels like worship.

"I was trying to find your lips," Felix answers before Chan is able ask him again. "I can't see your face in the dark."

The older doesn't know what he means, but he doesn't have to, as Felix leans in.

It's a little clumsy, since Felix hits the corner of his mouth rather than his lips full on, but they quickly manage to slot them together.

It's slow and lazy - just what you would expect a kiss at three in the morning to be like. Chan still feels the need behind it, the way Felix kisses him open-mouthed, like he wants more, more, more.

It's perfect. Felix is perfect.

Chan can't help himself and lets his lips kiss all over Felix's face - his forehead, his nose, his cheekbones, his jawline, his throat. He sucks a little at the skin there, but just so much that it won't be visible the next day - Felix's breath hitches at the action and he curls his hand into the collar of Chan's shirt. Chan saves properly marking the younger for another time.

Felix is pulling him upwards and they're kissing again. The older tries to pour every emotion he's been feeling over the past years into it and hopes that Felix gets it, hopes that he understands how much he means to Chan. Judging by how Felix whines into his mouth, Chan supposes that he does.

A couple of kisses and hushed 'I love you's later, the both of them finally decide to give into the desire to sleep, their lips swollen and hearts full of each other.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed
> 
> kudos and/or comments would be greatly appreciated! <3


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